Thanks to [BPC]Slave for this enlightnment!

Welcome child, and sit down - Let me guess, you've just bought Unreal Tournament and want to be as good as the bigger boys?

SILLY BILLY! You didn't need to buy it! It's on every Warez site, all you have to do is get a simple 650meg download, and look at all the money you've saved! First things first - double click the black icon with a spiky "U" in it. This is not called Unreal Tournament, this is "UT" - the first step in being 133t is:

1: Simplify, Smplfy, Spfy!

If you call it Unreal Tournament, you are not 133t. If you call it Unreal Tournie, you're not 133t. If you call it Quake, then yuo = fag0t. Only by using shorter versions of things can you become 133t.
The game you are about to play is called "UT". If you use this term, it shows how much of a 133t guy you are, as only people who are down with the hood regularly use this slang. To be truly 133t, try shortening it further, such as "U", or even " ".

Once you have done this, you are at the door to the next lesson:

2: Make an impression!

No-one who is truly 133t at UT has time to play the single player game. It's too boring! But how will you get the Boss skin to show that you are "The Boss"? Easy. You are going to be a HaXor! This is top-secret, and can get you kicked from Epic servers, because it's tampering with UT, and you can get fined. So don't tell anyone you've done it, unless it's to impress people less 133t than you. To make it work, you'll need a copy of Windows Explorer, but you can get it from most warez sites. if you can't find it, you can go to the Micr0s0ft site, but that means that you love Bill Gates and want to have bum sex with him. open the explorer program (have norton deviruser open, but not running - if you close it then it's still open in the background, and anyhow, it restricts you from haXoring), and go into where you keep UT. For me, it would be T:/programs%20and%20stuff/adam%apos%20stuff/my%20games/not%20porn/stuff/secret%20stuff/fuck%20off%it%apos%20private/unrealtournament/system, but you might have set it up differently. There's a file in there called user.ini, or it could be defuser.ini. No, It's unrealtournament.ini. I mean user.exe. Anyhow, there's this file, and you have to put in a line saying "733t3r_t#@N_yu0=yes", and then close it, but DON'T SAVE IT! If you do, then it keeps a record and mails Epic next time you go online. Ok, done that? Turn off your PC quick, don't shut it down, just reset, and it'll be burnt into the memory for next time. Then when you open UT you can play as the boss.

3: Show them you mean business!

If you want to be 133t, you have to be scary, and the best way for that is to have a really great name. Some really sad fag0ts name themselves after comic characters or Star Bores spaceships. LOL @ Star bores! :D :D :D DON'T be a sad fag0t, you got to name yourself something scary. When I play online I call myself 5T0|\|3_{07|), cause he's a really great wrestler, and everyone is scared of me. But DON'T rip me off, fag0t!

4: PLAY!

Ok, so the first thing you have to do is find a server. If you go to "Search for internet games", then it traces where you've been, so don't! I managed to haX0r my HD so that it wouldn't trace me, but I'm not going to tell you how, so just don't do it. The best way to find a server is to go into an IRC room and type !wut. It should instantly list ALL the players, but there's a bug in it that sometimes it doesn't work and sometimes it says a player isn't playing, but they are. What you have to do it type in !wut again, until all of the people listed show up and being somewhere. Then you can join them

5: Game Etiquette:

When you're playing, it'll always be free for all, so shoot as many people as you can. If someone tells you they're on your side SHOOT THEM! People who cheat at UT like this are all fag0ts and deserve to die! You can show you're 133t by using the two weapons that need the most skill: the sniper rifle and the ripper. If you get the sniper rifle, then try to hide in dark places so other people can't see you. i mean, what's the point in going where they can see you, if you want to kill them! l@mer5! LOL! Some people might complain, but they're just 56k fag0ts, ignore them. (see also section 7 - troubleshooting). With the ripper, it's the best weapon in the game because you can kill people with one shot when they don't know you're there! but it needs skill, cause you can kill yourself, so try to crouch in as small as place as possible, so you don't get hit. then you can shoot out and stop those fag0ts trying to get your shieldbelt. Fag0ts! go back to quake! or gayke! ROTFFLMFAO!

6: Becoming unique and 1337!

To be REALLY 133t, you have to show that you can haX0r into UT and change it around to make you look cool. Go into options, and go to the speech binder. then bind the following messages: "You are obsolete!" "I am superior!" "useless!" "Die, human!" "You die too easily!". When you kill someone, keep pressing the button and they'll see who killed them, and remember your name! *ADVANCED HAX0RING* Ok, bring up the prompt (press the key with two arrows on) and type preferences. the open up all the options, and it'll let you access the key binding menu. What you have to do is copy in the follwing text to the first free spaces:
"say p#34r ///3, 1 0\/\//\/ yuo!"

"say mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! fag0t!"

7: Troubleshooting

I can't beat someone
They're a cheating fag0t
Someone said that I was swearing too much
They're a stupid little 12 year old! Fag0t! Keep using the "FUCK YUO ALL" bind until they go home to mommy
Someone keeps sniping me
They're a camping fag0t - this is NOT 1337! Use the "YUO CHEATING FAG0T" bind until they leave you alone
Someone said I was a cheating fag0t
Press the "Die Human!" speech until they stop, then hide behind a corner and shoot razors out until they die. 1337 kill, you didn't even need to aim! PMLOTFFAAMHRAL! :D :D :D :D
I like quake better
People keep ganging up on me
Somebody keeps killing you